Dads and FMLA

Months before the babies were due I started the conversation with my HR department about taking FMLA leave (Family Medical Leave Act) when our children were born.  I am glad I started when I did because the process was a nightmare.  The process was so painful you would have thought I was the only dad to ever take this federally protected leave.  As it turns out, I was.

From the time I informed my company that I wanted to take leave to the time it was approved took 2 1/2 months and dozens of emails and calls and wasn't finalized until one week before the babies were born.  Not only did it take a long time the paperwork was not written for a fathers and not a single person in our HR department new how to proceed.  It wasn't until our corporate attorney got involved that a patchwork solution occurred.

The problem I faced was that my company hadn't caught up with the times.  Paperwork was skewed to the female point of view.  For instance, the form stated I needed to give my company access to medical records for an illness.  Last time I checked caring and bonding with your children is not an illness.  In the end, I had to give them permission to view my wife's medical records to prove she was having a baby.  What would a Dad do if he was adopting our using a surrogate?  On every form I had to cross out "female" and put in "male".

In the law, http://www.dol.gov/whd/fmla/ , it states:

Eligible employees are entitled to:

• Twelve workweeks of leave in a 12-month period for:
• the birth of a child and to care for the newborn child within one year of birth

 Even after I was approved for FMLA the problems continued.  The main issue was with the part highlighted above.  Even though I had been given approval to take leave intermittently, as the law states, "within one year", my company started telling me I must show a medical necessity to continue leave because I had returned to work.  I was told bluntly, "this is not for childcare".  When I sent them the language in the FMLA law I was told that because I had returned to work after two weeks I was no longer eligible, I should have taken all 12 weeks at once, and that they interpreted the law differently.  This from the same people who had approved the leave intermittently in the beginning.

There is clearly a bias in the workplace on Dads that want to care and bond with their children.  The world is changing and the old way of Mom staying home with the kids is no longer the only option.  My wife and I are very lucky that one of us can stay home and raise our children.  It would be great if more companies would recognize that families are changing and the roles of Moms and Dads are not what they used to be.

In the end, I left my job and I am now a full time Dad.  The best job I could ever have.

Sleeping? We are.

I think we are the luckiest parents on earth.  From the time we found out we having the twins all we heard was how bad getting sleep would be.  We read books on sleep training, we steeled ourselves for night of crying and bought earplugs.  Of course, the first couple of months you have to get up and feed them because they need to gain weight.  When one woke up we woke up the other to preserve our sanity and keep them on some semblance of a schedule.

At our two month Doctor's visit or Doctor said "never wake a sleeping baby".  From that point on our lives became much more manageable.  Our daughter slept for 7 hours and our son would wake up but only for a diaper change.  Soon enough they were both sleeping 7 hours, 11pm - 6am.

Then our lives changed again.  We were talking to some parents with twins a bit older than ours when they mentioned there kids go down at 8 and then wake up at 4.  We knew we needed to start getting them to be earlier but hadn't wanted to miss a feeding.  That night we fed them at 8pm and they slept until 6am!  No problems.

  

How they change

Dr. Brown's Natural Flow Wide-Neck Newborn Feeding Set

I can't believe the twins will be 4 months old next week.  The changes are amazing.  They have more than doubled in weight, they are trying to talk (see video) and their personalities are coming out.

Two weeks ago I wanted to know their weight so I took them to the Post Office and put them on the postal scale.  After a few odd looks I decided I should just wait til the doctor.  We are going to there tomorrow to get a full update and I can't wait to see how much they weigh and how much they have grown. 

Stay at home Dads in the news

It seems that stay at home Dads are getting quite a bit of press.  Yesterday on CNN they did a short piece and on Yahoo they posted a full article http://finance.yahoo.com/news/stay-home-dads-rise-091800594.html;_ylc=X3oDMTNudmU5MmVpBF9TAzExODMzMDk3NjkEYWN0A21haWxfY2IEY3QDYQRpbnRsA3VzBGxhbmcDZW4tVVMEcGtnAzA3YzVhNTIzLWQ3ZjQtMzkyMS1iZmY0LTMxOGJlY2M4MTczMwRzZWMDbWl0X3NoYXJlBHNsawNtYWlsBHRlc3QD;_ylv=3

I think it is great that we are getting more attention and we are being seen as valid caregivers to our children.  I didn't like the attitude of the CNN anchor who laughed and seemed rather amused that Dads make good parents.  She finally added that she guessed Dads were important.  This is an attitude that needs to change.  While some Dads stay at home out of need, more are staying home because they want to.

In NYC there is a whole group of Dads, 550, that are part of the New York City Dads Meetup group  http://www.meetup.com/New-York-City-Dads-Meetup-Group/
I am looking forward to taking the kids to our first meetup tomorrow.

Isn't it amazing!

Sometimes the days can seem like the movie Groundhog Day.  Everything just repeats itself.  You wake up and feed them.  They get some tummy time.  You change some diapers.  You go for a walk.  It is days like today that make it all worth it.  Your son starts to react.  What a great thing to see and hear him trying to talk.  Here he is talking to mom.    This is what it is all about.  Being a Dad is awesome and I am so lucky to be able to share these moments and be present when they happen. 

It started today...

Today is the first day as a full time Dad.  The twins are now 11 weeks old and so much has changed.  They have doubled in weight, they are sleeping for up to six hours and are eating more and more.  They have already been to Spain, which is another story and they already have three more trips planned.

The days are filled with feeding and errands.  I seem to be going to Duane Reade every day for something.  It is more to get out of the house than anything.  So far the weather has been good so I can get out for a walk in the park.  I am not looking forward to a full day inside when it rains.

The changes with the kids are amazing.  Smiles and cooing are just the start.  They are now awake more often which makes it easier to connect.

I am looking forward to joining some NYC dad's Meetup groups soon so I can meet more stay at home Dads and connect with some adults.

One of Each

Now we know.  One boy one girl.  After trying for so long this is great news!  Now what?  Tonight the learning begins at www.twiniversity.com in NYC.  We will learn:

How to hire a nanny (from interview to first day)
Getting your Twins on a daily schedule and sticking with it
Preparing your finances
Mistakes new parents make
Dealing with your nanny/baby nurse
Feeding two at once
Getting things done with what little time you have
Interacting with your new bundles of joy
Bath time x 2
How to deal with your new relationship (and I don't mean the kids)
Traveling with your circus around our city and globe (train, bus, car, air travel)

Seems like a lot for a Twins 101 course.  It will be good to understand what others have gone through and what we should expect.   In four months we have a lot to prepare for to make sure Baby A and Baby B have everything they need when they come into this world.

I have no doubt that as much as we plan we will miss something but this is a good start.